I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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