so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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