i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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