Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
