You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
