all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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