just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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