Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
