I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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