Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
