I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
