yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Randomize
