Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Quick, to the slutcave!
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
