Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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