That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I can't turn off my feet"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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