i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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