So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
