just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
