do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You ate ashes out of my bong
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
