Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
this hospital has no fireball
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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