i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I need moral support for this bender
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
