Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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