she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Gay?
German.
Pity.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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