just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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