I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
