i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
