why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
