I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
