I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
