Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I need a burrito and a hug.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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