last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
