Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
