My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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