Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I yelled at your uterus for you.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
