twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
