I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
So here I am, sexting at work.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
