i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
