im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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