I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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