wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
