Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Fuck appropriateness.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
