Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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