I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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