All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
