all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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