I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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