i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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