I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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