He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
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