she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
